I can’t believe what my co-supervisor just told me. The villain (well, that’s what I call the evil HOD anyway, or I could just call her a bitch) has a new research staff coming and she WANTS this person to occupy my current cubicle, so I’ve to shift and share with my STUPID colleague whom I don’t even wish to talk to (since she’s also an evil back-stabbing, badmouthing bitch AND the villain’s lackey) ? How much worse can it get? Seriously!
Just because my boss is no longer around since she has resigned all because of this villain and is just a VC now, so the villain thinks she can push me around?
I enjoy my work, and I still do. It’s a pleasure and a meaningful experience meeting all these people, both the patients and the healthy volunteers. It’s little help that I’m giving them but it’s still help nevertheless. I enjoy meeting them, talking to them and even hearing them pour their sorrows to me. I first took on this job because pharmaceutical companies rarely hire new graduates, and this job was meant to be a stepping stone to gain experience. Weeks into this job, I realise that I love the job and a CRA won’t mean the same since CRAs don’t have direct contact with patients. I thought I would probably stay on even though the salary is too low and there’s not much space for development. Even after years and years of experience, our titles will just stay the same and we won’t see much drastic increment in our salaries.
But as my days in this burning hell drag on, my belief starts to waver. Actually, all the other coordinators are spared from this political war because they are under another boss. I’m in the middle of it right from Day One, all because the villain wanted to lain off my boss who was going to be taking over her place as HOD eventually. If I’m my boss, actually I won’t have resigned because I feel that this is exactly what the villain wanted. I would have ground my teeth and stayed on, until the day I become the new HOD and then make her remaining days hell for her, until she’s sacked or forced to leave. I know, I’m evil. But if you want to do this, I will gladly play this game with you.
But my boss is kind and she’s all devoted to her practice, her patients and her research. She doesn’t care about titles and status. Which is why she chose to get out of all this crap. She’s a genuinely good doctor and I respect her. I respected her decision too, even though it just meant that my days are going to get tougher. I know about all the politics that exist in this department right from the start because my boss had actually briefed me on it. Because in this sucky place, you make the mistake, your boss pays the price. And it means that she can get fired. Why not? There have been other victims of this war. This is real business.
It has been this couple of months when I truly feel the mental strain on me. My boss is right. It is hard to do your job well and look after your own back at the same time. Now? I can’t even have my own cubicle. What’s the point then? My co-supervisor is actually also my boss but I refuse to call him that. He doesn’t deserve it. A good boss watches his subordinates’ backs and supports them. He’s just another soft backbone fellow who goes along with whatever the villain says because she’s the HOD.
Now I think this is pretty much the breaking point for me. Perhaps my boss has been correct all along. I’m too young and all this is too much for me. I’ve been through some hardship in life but frankly I’m one hell of a lucky girl right from the start of life. She’s right. This is not what I can bear anymore, and definitely not what I need to bear. I have been reluctant to leave because my boss says she needs my help and has asked me not to resign the day she told me about her own decision to resign. She appreciates me, I respect her, I like to work for her and I can learn so much from her. But I guess I’m selfish too. I need to live my life the way I like it, to be happy. She didn’t care enough about what would happen to me the day she resigned, because she felt that she needed to do so. Then she should understand why I would ultimately need to do this too.
I already don’t have a boyfriend. I should have a better job.
Update: My co-supervisor just called me into his room and gave me a long talk, aka bullshit which I already knew. He didn’t even dare to look me in the eyes when he talked. Is that a guilty conscience calling? I just stared at him at all times, listened attentively to his bullshit and gave the appropriate answers. I want him to know: Other girls might cower. I’ll take them on while I’m still here. Bloody hell.
