Inevitability

She’s dead, you know.

A car accident. Car got crashed by a truck or some other heavy vehicle a couple of nights ago. There were other passengers in the car who got away with some superficial, minor physical injuries. But suffering serious head trauma, the doctors weren’t optimistic and she didn’t survive in the end.

What a pity – so young, so beautiful. There should be a lot more waiting for her. But alas, life’s transient. And how many of us out there realise that.

We waste our precious time fighting for power, for money. Putting others down in the process, badmouthing, back stabbing. Ruthless to anyone who stands in our climb to success. Waste all that precious time when we could have spent it making ourselves truly happy.

And then what?

When you climb all the way to the top, do you realise that you have only one way to go now? And that’s D-O-W-N?   

When you have grabbed all that power and money that doesn’t truly belong to you, can you see the blood on your hands?

做人不应该是这样的。

I always think that there are only very few things that one cannot choose in one’s life: when and where you are born, your family and your genes. Other than these, I think we all do have a choice. Your sex is inborn and you can even change your sex these days. How you look more or less depends on the interaction between your genes and the environment and plastic surgery can go against that anytime these days. What else do you not have a say in?

But unfortunately, having a choice is one thing. Being really able to make one, having the courage to make one is another. And the most difficult of all, of course, has to be making the RIGHT choice.

We make a lot of choices every single day. Seemingly insignificant decisions like what to wear, which perfume to use, which eye shadow to use, what to eat for lunch, to major decisions like whether to resign, whether to make a career move, whether to dash across the road to save that dumb little schoolboy and risk being knocked down by the car yourself. Of course, the last one doesn’t happen every day, or most probably wouldn’t even happen at all in your life.

My point is, we make so many decisions every day and if you believe in the butterfly effect and you believe that everything happens for a reason, then every single decision you make, every fucking decision, no matter how insignificant it seems, makes a difference to someone out there. Which is why whatever that we want to do, we must think carefully, no matter how freaking small your wee brain is, how your decision is going to affect others.

But that is of course useless if you fucking do not care about others at all. If all you care about is yourself, as long as your decision does good to yourself, I don’t think you will give a fuck to how many people you will harm in the process.    

And unfortunately, many people are like that. It’s not just self-centerness anymore. It’s completely selfish. I think we are all self-centered in a way because it’s what we need to do to survive – survival instinct. For example, we eat because we need to. We drink otherwise we die. We must study even if we don’t really want to sometimes or else we can’t find a job in the future or whatever rubbish. We know we cannot afford to offend the boss unless we don’t mind losing our jobs. But we should keep our self-centerness to a minimum, otherwise we lose our integrity.

Something big has happened and it’s all the acts of people who only care about themselves. They only want to protect themselves, want to keep their jobs, keep the money coming in, and no longer care if others have to sleep on the streets because of what they do. I don’t know how they can actually sleep at night, but apparently a conscious is not what everyone has. I think everyone’s born with one, but along the way, one can slowly lose it to one’s own selfish desires and personal gains.

This makes me think about how my sister always says that we should just put all these people on a tiny island, like Pulau Ubin, ok, maybe too near, Maldives Islands or Hawaii then. And just drop an atomic bomb on it, so that they all can die and simply rot in hell. If only something like that can happen, then I will believe in ghosts and aliens. Ok, wait, I believe in aliens and even ghosts – ok, maybe how pigs can fly and Bush is actually not racist then.

I’m born into politics. My whole paternal extended family is about politics. I don’t know why family members want to slash each other’s throat, but I always credit it to their lack of education, and of course, bad parenting by my grandparents who had more than 13 children. But in where I’m working, where everyone’s a degree holder and superiors are all prestigious professionals, politics is no different. It’s still as foul, as incredibly stupid and unbelievably cruel. Except the stakes now are much much greater.   

My mindset’s not yet changed – no, I’m not disillusioned and this world is not an ugly world. There are still nice people, kind-hearted ones around and I don’t want to just see the world as filled with the fugly ones. I don’t think the lost ones are coming to their senses anytime in the near future. Some will never do even when they lie still in their coffins. But it’s ok. My conscious is clear, I know it and that’s all that is important in my life.  

Have you seen the RK House video on YouTube yet?

Wait, I just realised that it’s fairly new, so maybe you haven’t catch it yet. It’s not really a video though. It’s more like a conversation that was recorded with, I don’t know, maybe a handphone or some tape recorder, between 2 Chinese fellows and an Indian man working at RK Eating House which I think is located at Serangoon Gardens.

I wouldn’t say that it’s a funny conversation. Because it’s actually an extremely boh-liao act pulled by these 2 bums who probably had nothing more meaningful to do. I think RK Eating House is run by Muslims, so that means that no pork is served there. And so these 2 boh-liao bums, knowing that the shop’s Halal, had to buy some pork curry and pratas there. Imagine the wrath of the staff there. Well, in the clip, you can hear him shouting and sounding very igitated.

I’m not perfectly non-racist and I don’t have a religion. But I’ve sense not to make any serious jibe at any. And if the video’s real, well because some of the people think it’s a fake one put up by a group of people, I would be aghast at some Singaporeans’ atrocity to do something discriminating like this.

If policemen were around at that time, I think they would be brought back to the police station for some kopi. 

Sorry that my posting has been so sporadic. Sometimes I would blog continuously, even on a daily basis, for about a week. Then I would stop completely for another 2 weeks. Then I might blog again, or I might not hahah. Don’t know what’s wrong with me haha. Work’s been fine though, so don’t worry about that.

I can’t even remember when was the last time I last posted an entry. Because I didn’t even have the time to go onto my own blog!!! But well, this is sooo funny that I’ve to spare time to blog about it!

It all started off pretty innocently as an email from the HR Department to everyone in the organisation. You know how the HR Department’s constantly sending us emails about activities etc going on that staff can participate. Well, apparently Valentine’s Day’s coming (though I rather not talk about that), so they invited a special guest from some dating agency to come and give a free talk ”All About Love, Dating and Match-Making”.  

I deleted the email almost immediately because firstly, I’m not going to be some pathetic loser (which I already am) and attend some talk “teaching” people how to date. Receiving regular mails from SDU is already pretty embarrassing for me. Secondly, I’m not based at the headquarters so I can’t possibly tell my boss that I need to take time off and drop all work that she needs me to do, to go down to the headquarters to “learn how to date properly”.

But what amused me to hell, wait, that’s an understatement since it practically made me laugh my guts out, is this following email:

You might have guessed. Yes, this lady must have meant to send this email to ONE person in mind only. BUT in the end, she must have accidentally clicked on “Reply All” (what a bloody stupid mistake) and sent the above email to EVERYONE. Yes, every single staff in the organisation. I guess, including all the big bosses as well. *gulp* I can’t imagine our Director reading this silly thing.

If the contents weren’t that silly, it wouldn’t have been THAT embarrassing. Now, everyone knows that she’s single and lonely hahah. I don’t know how she’s going to walk around the building with her head high up in the future. Everyone’s going to be pointing fingers at her and whisper behind her back as she walks past, “That’s the one who has a lot of sunsets waiting for her.” Ok, I don’t think that people are that mean but it will be all she’s thinking about when she walks around, I tell you. Somemore, she was kinda criticising the emails sent by HR. I don’t think HR’s going to fancy her too much in the future. LOL.

I don’t think that this apology’s going to help much hahaha:

Now, what a laugh, isn’t it. How come something hilarious like that doesn’t happen at work every day?

Have you all been to Ang Mo Kio Central lately?

If not, I think you are not “in” enough. AMK Central is currently the hottest neighbourhood on the tiny sunny island of Singapore, with the opening of NTUC Fairprice’s first-ever and biggest hypermart at the 2nd basement of this town’s very own shopping mall, the AMK Hub. I’m not exagerrating when I said the “biggest” NTUC mart – it occupies approximately 7100 square metres of Basement 2!

And why a “hypermart”? Because it sells everything! And I mean practically everything!! I don’t even know how to describe it hhaha! There is a wide variety of products ranging from groceries to electrical and electronic goods, from comestics to bicycles, from clothes to cabinets. Now you can buy your Loreal mascara, apples, dishwasher liquid and mountain bike all together at AMK’s NTUC Hypermart! =) =)

You should see the flow of people at AMK Central every day! I live just opposite so I frequent the place, and there are soooo many people that it feels just like Chinese New Year Eve when everyone’s out to do last minute grocery/goodies shopping/just to mingle with the crowd and enjoy the festive season. And it’s not even anywhere near CNY yet!

And of course, everyone’s here for the hypermart, and I swear that half of these people don’t even stay at AMK, or anywhere near! They have all come here to witness the largest NTUC hypermart. That’s all hahah! Which reminds me how cute Singaporeans are. Nothing excites them more than trival matters like this. Even the arrival of PM Lee won’t attract them like that. But a newly opened hypermart? It draws them like bees to honey! And many of these people just come and leave with empty hands, so it’s clear that their interests are not in buying stuff, but just to see the place for themselves hahah.

But many of them do buy a lot of stuff though they don’t live near and you should see the queue at the taxi stand just outside AMK Hub! It’s so long that you might have thought that there’s some freebie giveaway hahah. And the S11 food centre just outside MacDonald used to be fairly deserted, but now you can hardly get a seat there! Because all the people get hungry after walking for a long time in the hypermart and decide to eat there!

I think it’s amazing what the opening of a new store can do to the economy of the neighbourhood retailers, hawkers and even taxi drivers. And the whole mall’s not even opened yet. Currently only the Basement 2 is opened, and that’s only the NTUC hypermart and some fashion stores like COAX, DANO, Pepper Plus, Double Index, Giordano, Bossini, to name a few.

And may I say that the clothes there are really cheap as compared to town!!! I bought 2 dresses and each is about $30 only! I might never shop in town again!! hahahah

“Man I promise. I’m so self-conscious. That’s why you always see me with at least one of my watches.” – “All Falls Down”, Kanye West.

I don’t wear a watch. I used to, but I didn’t stop doing so because of this song. This song only came out after I stopped wearing one for many years.

I used to wear a watch. I can still remember my 1st watch. I bought it with my mum at a shop selling watches and clocks at AMK Central. Although at the age of 13, I think, my mum was the one who paid for it. It was a pretty retro Swatch piece, in white plastic with black spirals. I guess that was pretty hip for a 13-year-old hahah. I loved that watch and it lasted me a couple of years before I bought a new one. The subsequent watches were all Swatch pieces too.

I used to rely so much on my watch. In fact, I was the type who couldn’t step out of the house without a watch. I probably looked at my watch every 5 minutes and it wasn’t really always to check the time. I guess it was more of a habit to do so. If I ever left my house, only to realise later on my way to take a bus or train that I forgot to wear my watch (which would usually be in less than 10 minutes’ time as I automatically checked the time on my wrist), I would walk all the way back to take my watch, even if I was just a step away from the bus stop or train station.

I knew that it was terrible but I just couldn’t help it. I would be so lost without a watch, even though physically I could survive days without one (like how I can nowadays), but mentally I couldn’t at that time.

One day, I guess when I was still in Secondary school, I was watching the popular Japanese drama, Fuji TV’s “Beach Boys” on TV. I’m sure most people around my age, especially the girls, would remember this drama series starring the yummy Takenouchi Yutaka AND Sorimachi Takashi, and of course, boys’ favourite, cutsie Rirosue Hiyoko.

The drama was about this ex-Olympic candidate swimmer, Hiromi (played by Takashi), who having nothing to do, decided to go to the beach after being thrown out of his girlfriend’s house. While there, he met Kaito (Yutaka), an elite salaryman of a big company, who came with the purpose of cooling himself down. Both then arrived a lodging house where they stayed on for their summer vacation, unknowingly built an interesting friendship and learnt more about life from each other.     

There was this scene which to date I can still recall, where Hiromi who didn’t wear any watch asked Kaito to throw his watch into the sea. Kaito was very unwilling initially because he was a elite and in my opinon, they all wear watches because they think they need one and the right watch can also impress. But Hiromi said instead that there’s no need for a watch at all because we need not keep track of time all the time as it is too stressful. Regardless of how we watch the time and plan this and that, time is not going to wait for anyone, so we should just do what we like anytime, lead the lives we want and relax. Ok, at least I think that’s what he said, and Kaito really threw his (expensive) watch into the sea.

I stopped wearing a watch from that day onward. It wasn’t as hard as I might have imagined, no withdrawals at all. I might not have made such a firm decision just because of what he said, but it did make me recognise my serious reliance on a watch. And I didn’t like it. I don’t like to over-rely on anyone or anything. I already can’t control time. Why should I let it control me?  

I’m not advocating the abandoning of watches. I don’t care if you wear any watch. I don’t even know why I started on this topic but it could jolly be the fact that my sis just spoilt her watch. Well, since I’ve started, might as well do a good ending: It doesn’t have to be a watch. One can be over-reliant on anything or anyone, and often, without realising it oneself. Reliance is bad because nothing and nobody can stay by your side all your lifetime, and you are going to suffer when you lose that something or someone. I always feel that each and everyone of us comes into this world as a single entity, and we are going to leave this world as a single entity as well. To be absolutely truthful, we are alone in this world. No matter how many loved ones are around you and how many things you possess now, you are still one unique individual and one day, they may leave you, and you will be alone again.

It’s not scary to be alone. It becomes scary when you do not know how to cope with loneliness. We come into this world with nothing. In the process, we gain some stuff, and we slowly learn how to let go of everything. The day I stopped wearing a watch, I released a burden, I snapped myself free from something I couldn’t see but had been there all along. And in the end, I felt liberated.

Liberate yourself today. (Wah sounds like a Singaporean campaign haha)

After watching the “Death Note” movie marathon, which I must say are TWO fantastic movies back to back for me,

Now I only need my boyfriend to be (ultra) smart.

Like him:

Man, I don’t even mind his super sweet tooth, his slouch, his panda eyes, the funny way he holds his handphone or the weird mask that he likes to wear hahah. But these traits of him all add up to make him absolutely cute actually.

An extremely unusual character – perhaps hard to accept by human standards if he really was to exist, but in the movie, he seemed so comfortable and totally likable haha.

Don’t feel that he needed to die like that in the movie though (opps did I just say a spoiler!). If he was so smart, and no one knew his real name anyway, he could have just written any name to bluff Light’s dad to believe him and cooperate. But perhaps he was a smart AND honest fellow, who also didn’t give a shit about dying. Oh, but in the manga, he did die. =(

Now, L is played by Matsuyama Kenichi, who’s 2 years my junior and 180cm. Are you ever curious how he looks like in real life?? I did get damn curious after watching the movies cause man, his eye circles can’t be for real right!

So hold your breath….this is how he really looks like!!!

hahah honestly not much of a difference! He simply looks very much cleaner and more boyish. But somehow L has that additional endearing factor haha.

I think it’s absolutely impossible to not like L. In fact, he was so massively popular after the release of the movies, a spin-off of the movie has been decided. And no prize to those who could guess who the main character is going to be. Who else but L. The spin off is set for its release date in 2007 (and hopefully it IS going to be this year) and will be a new story that does not exist in the original. This is in fact the first time a supporting actor that has become so popular in that degree independently. =)

“L” is definitely a challenging role, because you need to be acting weird, behaving weird and look like a walking zombie, yet being a world famous genius detective. You need to do all those and be LIKED. Having people really thinking that you are a psysho is NOT a success. But Matsuyama took up the challenge well.

Now, so can anyone find a guy like him for me? Pleeaaasseee??

One of my favorite Kanye West songs – “All Falls Down”. Won’t you just look at the lyrics: 

Man I promise, she’s so self-conscious
She has no idea what she’s doing in college
That major that she majored in don’t make no money
But she won’t drop out, her parents will look at her funny
Now, tell me that ain’t insecure
The concept of school seems so secure
Sophmore three years aint picked a career
She like fuck it, I’ll just stay down here and do hair
Cause that’s enough money to buy her a few pairs of new Airs
Cause her baby daddy don’t really care
She’s so precious with the peer pressure
Couldn’t afford a car so she named her daughter Alexus (a Lexus)
She had hair so long that it looked like weave
Then she cut it all off now she look like Eve
And she be dealing with some issues that you can’t believe
Single black female addicted to retail and well

Man I promise, I’m so self conscious
That’s why you always see me with at least one of my watches
Rollies and Pasha’s done drove me crazy
I can’t even pronounce nothing, pass that Versace!
Then I spent 400 bucks on this
Just to be like nigga you ain’t up on this!
And I can’t even go to the grocery store
Without some ones thats clean and a shirt with a team
It seems we living the American dream
But the people highest up got the lowest self esteem
The prettiest people do the ugliest things
For the road to riches and diamond rings
We shine because they hate us, floss cause they degrade us
We trying to buy back our 40 acres
And for that paper, look how low we a’stoop
Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coop/coupe

This man deserves all his awards, don’t you think.

Damn!

Yes, it’s almost 5am in the morning of the 2nd day of 2007 and it’s the 2 consecutive day that I’m still awake in the wee hours, but I’m not going to bed yet. I’ve just come home about an hour before, after a great time with Di at the “Death Note” movie marathon (which, may I say, is my 1st movie marathon. It’s a fantastic experience and the movies were marvellous. I shall gladly blog about when I can find the time later on), to a home where everyone else’s soundly asleep. I actually like to blog at night when there’s nothing to distract me. =)

So 2007 has just barely started and 2006’s history. I’m going to take this chance to pay tribute to all those who have influenced me significantly in any other way.

Firstly, people who know me would know that I love R&B, booze, the night life, the good-looking fellows, cats, babies, and of course, the movies (other than my family). And after watching this particularly movie that I’m going to mention soon, I can’t get everything about it out of my mind. The lines, the characters, the scenery, the music, the story, the big idea. Just as how it has changed the lives of many who have watched it or simply by the making of this film, it has changed a huge perspective of mine.

I wish to thank, undoubtly one of the greatest movie directors in Asia of all time, Lee Ang, for his best work to date: Brokeback Mountain.

I was never a homophobic, but unfortunately just like most other people out there, I was ignorant and perhaps nonchalent towards the issue of homosexuality as I know no one who’s gay. But after watching the movie, I see the homosexuals no different from myself. I learnt, I understood and then I accepted. They deserve no discrimination just because of their sexual orientation. Now, I know my stand and I can see myself standing firmly by it for the rest of my days.

Other than the idea that the film was trying to carry, the entire movie touched me to the core, to the depths of my heart where I didn’t even know they existed. Even till today, I can feel the pain my heart had felt when I first watched the movie, and the feeling didn’t fade even a bit when I caught it the 2nd time. Everything about the movie struck a cord in me and I can still remember so much of the dialogue in my head so vividly.

Jack Twist- “I wish I knew how to quit you.”

And of course, my 2 bosses who gave me my job. Dr T, who gave me a 2nd chance after I failed to impress his co-worker who interviewed me together even though he was pleased enough with me, and called me up perosnally for a 2nd interview for a similar job despite his status and nusy schedule. Without him, there wouldn’t be a 2nd chance. And Dr L, for hiring me after the 2nd interview, even though she said it had been because of my language capability which she needs. She has been patient, frank and understanding, even though she already has a lot on her hands, in addition to a new helper like me who needs guidance.

Firstly, I truly enjoy my work. It’s challenging and meaningful at the same time. It’s what I’ve wanted, where I’m heading and to be working under bosses like them whom I greatly respect for their dedication towards patients and public healthcare, and respect and fairness towards subordinates, I’m honoured, motived and will gladly work my ass off for them.

And who could have made this all possible but my mum? I’ve said it before and I would say it again. Letting me just sit around at home and wait for my interviews after I sent out some applications for jobs that I was truly interested in is actually a very small thing with respect to her. Because she can sacrifise anything for me. But I appreciated it nevertheless because it’s still not what all other mums would have allowed their children to do. When other parents were pestering their children for family allowances, and I was already impatient, my mum was emphasizing the  importance of getting a job that one truly wants rather than just a high-paying one and encouraging me to wait a while longer. And I appreciated it nevertheless because we should never take anything for granted.

Although my family means practically everything to me, my friends are also very important because they accept me for who I’m, let me join in all their fun, almost never leave me out, and will probably lend me a listening ear if I ever need to (but I hardly have any pressing problems usually). As close as I may be with my family, there are still things that you can never do with your family or enjoy with them - like clubbing or ktv for example haha~

And I also want to thank the Higher Power controlling all things happening in this world, if there’s any in the first place because I’m not a religious person. Yes, I don’t really believe in gods and deities but no Man holds control over all happenings and I believe in fate and destiny (and that all’s set in one’s life – predestined somehow), so maybe there’s this Greater Power somewhere somehow and well, all’s possible unless proven impossible. So thank you very very much for all the good health and happiness that my loved ones have been blessed with so far. Please continue to do so in the New Year and all the days to come!   

It’s goingto be dawn soon, so I’m going to bed as you all are going to start your 2nd day of 2007! Enjoy your day!