Inevitability

here.

有勇气的人，应该会走掉吧。

已经坚持够久了吗？达到极限了吗？还是只是躲避，只是任性？

我是草莓吗？  

I can’t believe what my co-supervisor just told me. The villain (well, that’s what I call the evil HOD anyway, or I could just call her a bitch) has a new research staff coming and she WANTS this person to occupy my current cubicle, so I’ve to shift and share with my STUPID colleague whom I don’t even wish to talk to (since she’s also an evil back-stabbing, badmouthing bitch AND the villain’s lackey) ? How much worse can it get? Seriously!

Just because my boss is no longer around since she has resigned all because of this villain and is just a VC now, so the villain thinks she can push me around?

I enjoy my work, and I still do. It’s a pleasure and a meaningful experience meeting all these people, both the patients and the healthy volunteers. It’s little help that I’m giving them but it’s still help nevertheless. I enjoy meeting them, talking to them and even hearing them pour their sorrows to me. I first took on this job because pharmaceutical companies rarely hire new graduates, and this job was meant to be a stepping stone to gain experience. Weeks into this job, I realise that I love the job and a CRA won’t mean the same since CRAs don’t have direct contact with patients. I thought I would probably stay on even though the salary is too low and there’s not much space for development. Even after years and years of experience, our titles will just stay the same and we won’t see much drastic increment in our salaries.

But as my days in this burning hell drag on, my belief starts to waver. Actually, all the other coordinators are spared from this political war because they are under another boss. I’m in the middle of it right from Day One, all because the villain wanted to lain off my boss who was going to be taking over her place as HOD eventually. If I’m my boss, actually I won’t have resigned because I feel that this is exactly what the villain wanted. I would have ground my teeth and stayed on, until the day I become the new HOD and then make her remaining days hell for her, until she’s sacked or forced to leave. I know, I’m evil. But if you want to do this, I will gladly play this game with you.

But my boss is kind and she’s all devoted to her practice, her patients and her research. She doesn’t care about titles and status. Which is why she chose to get out of all this crap. She’s a genuinely good doctor and I respect her. I respected her decision too, even though it just meant that my days are going to get tougher. I know about all the politics that exist in this department right from the start because my boss had actually briefed me on it. Because in this sucky place, you make the mistake, your boss pays the price. And it means that she can get fired. Why not? There have been other victims of this war. This is real business.

It has been this couple of months when I truly feel the mental strain on me. My boss is right. It is hard to do your job well and look after your own back at the same time. Now? I can’t even have my own cubicle. What’s the point then? My co-supervisor is actually also my boss but I refuse to call him that. He doesn’t deserve it. A good boss watches his subordinates’ backs and supports them. He’s just another soft backbone fellow who goes along with whatever the villain says because she’s the HOD.

Now I think this is pretty much the breaking point for me. Perhaps my boss has been correct all along. I’m too young and all this is too much for me. I’ve been through some hardship in life but frankly I’m one hell of a lucky girl right from the start of life. She’s right. This is not what I can bear anymore, and definitely not what I need to bear. I have been reluctant to leave because my boss says she needs my help and has asked me not to resign the day she told me about her own decision to resign. She appreciates me, I respect her, I like to work for her and I can learn so much from her. But I guess I’m selfish too. I need to live my life the way I like it, to be happy. She didn’t care enough about what would happen to me the day she resigned, because she felt that she needed to do so. Then she should understand why I would ultimately need to do this too.

I already don’t have a boyfriend. I should have a better job.

Update: My co-supervisor just called me into his room and gave me a long talk, aka bullshit which I already knew. He didn’t even dare to look me in the eyes when he talked. Is that a guilty conscience calling? I just stared at him at all times, listened attentively to his bullshit and gave the appropriate answers. I want him to know: Other girls might cower. I’ll take them on while I’m still here. Bloody hell.   

You know that you are bored when you post more than 2 entries a day. Well, in my case, you can even say that my boss is probably paying me to blog, read blogs, read Today online, explore Wikipedia, watch videos on YouTube and download mp3 from Baidu. That’s what I’ve been doing lately since my boss is not around most of the time and when she is, she’s too busy to even have time to give me work, even though she has a lot that she can assign to me.

I think I’m already darn good at pretending to be busy. I can join the Mediacorp Star Search already.

Random thoughts of the hour:

1. Quite sad that the manager who always sent out hilariously sarcastic emails has resigned. No more funny emails to read. Nowadays, I just keep receiving forwarded announcements of lectures by “distinguished” professors that don’t interest me at all. Not even a teeny weenie bit. Who cares about bioimaging, biomatrixes and cell signaling?! Well, definitely not me.
2. If I’ve the money, I think I would bug my STUPID colleague, as in really bug her. So that I can know what nonsense and malicious lies she’s telling behind the innocent’s back. I’ll probably install a CCTV at my own cubicle so that I can know if she has been snooping around my stuff, which I’m 99% sure that she is. That bitch. Well, that’s only if I’m like super rich hahah cause if I’ve some money, I’m sure I won’t spend it on a lump of shit like her.
3. You know that you are becoming a geek when you just bought a 1G thumb drive to replace the old 256MB one and you are more excited than when buying some new clothes. Ya, talking about myself. -_-
4. My 5-km Mizuno marathon is coming in less than 2 weeks’ time and I haven’t run 1 km in more than 2 years. No, seriously, I don’t run these days. Hell, I don’t even run after buses. God, I’m so dead.
5. I’m so bored.
6. I’m so bored that I shall take the morning off tomorrow and probably Thursday off as well.
7. My boss just called and said she might not be coming in today, after which she’ll not be coming for the rest of the week. This means I’m not going to be given work for the rest of the week. I’m definitely going to be very bored. I’m “forced” to take leave.
8. I’m writing Stephen King these days, picking up where I’ve left years ago when I was still in secondary school. Sometimes, what he wrote is so sick and disturbing that it seriously makes me feel sick, Stephen King’s a sick old man.

I’m bored.

Do you know that the New 7 Wonders of the World are out? Hell, they even have an official website for it.

The new champions of the Wonders are: *drum roll*

1) The Great Wall, China

2) Petra, Jordan

3) Christ Redeemer, Brazil

4) Machu Picchu, Peru

5) Chichén Itzá, Mexico

6) The Roman Colosseum, Italy

And last but not least: 7) The Taj Mahal, India

I’m guilty as I’ve always been, of not reading enough, not knowing enough, and honestly, I’ve NEVER heard of Jordan’s Petra, Peru’s Machu Picchu nor Mexico’s Chichén Itzá! But from what I’ve read so far, it seems that all 3 are ruins of ancient cities, and definitely amazing in the architectural works displayed which you would not have expected for such ancient civilizations. However, each and every of these Wonders of the (Ancient) Word truly proves us wrong again and again.

My favourite Wonder? I’ve mentioned this structure before and of course, it’s the Christ Redeemer in Brazil (my favourite football country!).

Such a kickass beauty, isn’t it? I’m not religious but this statue of Jesus deserves more than some “oooo” and “ahhhh” from me. Standing some 38 meters tall, atop the Corcovado mountain overlooking Rio de Janeiro, it has become a symbol of the city and of the warmth of the Brazilian people, who receive visitors with open arms.

Frankly speaking, I can’t even list the old 7 Wonders of the World! I think there’s doubtlessly the Great Wall? The Egyptians’ great works of the Pyramids used to be in too, I think. Then what? See? I’m poor at general knowledge sometimes. -_- But worry no further, because there’s always the ever-trustworthy, and my favourite past-time pal, Wikipedia!

You can read that if you’re interested, but I’m barely halfway through and already cross-eyed at all the names like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and the Temple of Artemis. All darn impressive sounding, but mostly don’t strike a serious bell in me. As usual, I’m always more interested in the Wonders of Nature! Ask me about the Amazon rainforest and I swear I can tell you more than the Egyptian pyramids being tombs of ancient kings and having a, well, pyramidal shape.  

Yesterday I actually woke up at 330pm after going to bed at 1am the previous night. I’ve a pretty strict no-alarm-clock rule on Sunday mornings (since I’ve to wake up early for yoga on Saturdays) and I’ll just wake up naturally on Sunday mornings, though my “natural” wake time probably doesn’t seem normal to most people because I actually don’t sleep late on Saturday nights. I shock myself sometimes, especially yesterday. And despite being awake for barely 12 hours, I slept at 1230am last night, feeling darn tired.

Didn’t enjoy a good night’s sleep though, which is interesting because I do research in sleep medicine but my sleep has worsened ever since I started work. Just before my alarm clock sounded and I woke up, I was dreaming about waking up late and having to rush through the morning procedure of washing up, bathing and putting on make-up. Finally, in my dream, I rushed out to take a bus, and it seemed that I would make it to work on time. At this point,  my darn alarm clock rang in real life. I jumped up, switched it off, realised that was all a dream and thought, “Damn, that wasn’t real. Which means that I’ve to wash up, bathe and put on make-up all over again!” haha.

My dreams don’t use to bother me so much, but these days they make me feel tired, like I’ve been carrying out my dreams physically instead of mentally all night. I suppose this is a kind of sleep disorders. Again, ironic.

So I’m still feeling foggy now. And my STUPID colleague’s still forever yakking away on her phone, in her crude language and unpleasant voice. Boy, I really dislike her. She has this weird way of pronouncing words like “coordinator” and “correct”, which I find both amusing and irritating at the same time. She has a bad cough which has persisted for months and months. It’s irritating to even hear her keep coughing. Incredibly biased hahah.  

But when she coughs and coughs non-stop, I simply hope that she’ll vomit or something haha. And I actually hope that she’ll get pneumonia. I know. I’m evil.

I attended my beautiful cousin Annie’s wedding last night. That was my third wedding dinner this freaking year! A cute coincidence is that all the bridegrooms of the 3 weddings are in SAF =) 2 of my cousins tied the knot this year and my dear Mrs Tan is going to hold her own this November. I love going to wedding dinners. Firstly, we girls get to shop for a valid reason, buy a pretty dress (and maybe even shoes and accessories) and dress up nicely for that night. Secondly, there’s the good food (shark’s fin!!!). Thirdly, there are always some cute waiters to check out. Fourthly, don’t forget that there might be cute guests to check out too. Fifthly, I get to see my relatives whom I don’t see on a regular basis and catch up with some of them.

Lastly, and this is what I’ve come to realize recently, while in the past I might like to go to dinners for the first 5 reasons, these days I go with the intention of giving the newly weds my deepest blessings. Seeing videos of their solemnization ceremony, their 新郎迎新娘 ceremony, tea ceremony etc, seeing them genuinely happy and their parents equally delighted, makes me feel so warm in the heart.

I think I’m seriously getting old. Because when one gets old, one’s priorities change and thinking changes. Well, at least that’s what’s supposed to happen, though some people do not wise up with age. So growing older is not a bad thing at all because we appreciate more, feel more, learn more – time is not wasted. Although I must say that Time is a ruthless killer, watching my years (of youth) pass like this *snap fingers* hasn’t been easy. But isn’t it all like this? First we attend 21st birthday parties, then wedding dinners, then baby showers, and lastly funerals. Like what one of my patients said, when you get old, the place you frequent the most is the hospital!

However, it is precisely my job that makes me fear aging. Yes, aging as in body degeneration sucks big time because the human body is never made to last (don’t ask me why, ask the Creator, whom I believe is of extraterrestrial origin, so by all means, He can be Optimus Prime), so when we grow old, our body functions start to slow down and ultimately fail. And then we start to get all these diseases. Ok, not ALL of us because there are many elderly who have excellent health. But some of us spend our lives keeping fit, eating healthy, and then we get cancer or simply collapse and die like how some of the local young had.

I’m not suggesting that we can indulge in unhealthy diets and habits. A healthy lifestyle is a great preventive measure. If not, you better start saving up because medical fees and medicine costs are going to be a bitch. And to be poor AND sick is not going to be of any fun at all.

However, the worst that can happen is to be poor and sick AND alone. And that’s exactly what’s freaking me out. In my work, I see many old people who suffer from Parkinson’s disease. Of which, some of them are actually accompanied by their other halves at all times during the doctor’s consultation visits and research visits. It’s incredibly sweet to see these people in their 50s-70s, still holding hands, caring for each other, not giving up when the other’s sick. To me, they represent the true essence of marriage. If you want to get married, that’s what you should be prepared to do: stand beside each other in times of good AND bad.

There are however quite a handful of patients who are single, and I believe, they are single by choice. Though that’s not what I can truly understand. Of course, I know why they like to be single – maybe there’s the freedom they get to enjoy, no need to answer to anyone for every decision and whereabouts. What I don’t understand is why they don’t want the joys that come with couplehood (ok that isn’t really such a word). I’m not scared of doing most things alone, sometimes I even like being alone, but the next 50 years or so (assuming I’ll live to 80) alone? I think that might just kill me. Family and friends are not going to be around for you all the time because they are going to have their own families and commitments too. It’ll be your other half who’s going to spend the rest of your life with you.

I’m not implying that you should get married because it’s sad to be lonely when you are old and sick. But to me, I think it’s beautiful when you can find someone whom you truly love, think about him all the time, want to let him see something lovely which you’ve just seen somewhere, let him taste some delicious food which you’ve just discovered, let him hear this great song that you’ve just heard on the radio, and just share practically everything in your life with him.

Eh, I’m still waiting for him to come. Holding my waiting tag, while the Creator goes down his list to pair up the right couples. I just hope my number isn’t really very big because I don’t want to wait too long. When he comes, I’m going to embrace him with open arms haha, and pray that we’ll live to old age, healthy, happy and hopefully, rich. =)

Have you heard?

Well, of course you haven’t. Cause I’m the one who’s 八卦。Everyone’s business is my business haha.

Apparently, Jacky Wu is offering to sign on one of our very local celebrity bloggers! 嘿嘿! 猜猜是谁? 你猜，你猜，你猜猜猜! 猜到没有？ 

Pleaseeee, how can it be that stumpy, short short, act chio one?

Of course, it’s the much much much prettier one.

To be accurate, actually BOTH MTV Taiwan and Jacky Wu want to sign her on. So she’s going to choose one.

My opinion?

Look at Jay Chou then:

And now:

Seriously? Does one need to think further?

I haven’t blog in eons. I know, I know.

There are various reasons. A valid one will be plain laziness. Being a typical Virgo (and I must say that I’m not a typical one most of the time) when it comes to my work, i.e. a (almost)  perfectionist, I can take 1 or 2 hours to complete an entry that one will take less than 5 minutes to read. Sometimes I must do research online, I must use the appropriate words, I must find suitable pictures to put up – It can be tiring -_-

But now, I think it’s worse that when I have something to say or share, I can’t always find the opportunity/time to talk to a suitable person. Thank God that I still have someone or rather a number of people whom I can talk to though. And even if I tell someone about it, I can’t possibly tell everyone about it – imagine all the time and saliva that’ll take, and besides it won’t be the same everytime I repeat it anyway.

And so, a blog is still the best to share some thoughts/experiences/ideas etc. Even if nobody reads it, there’s still this chance that someone will.

What do I want to share with you all now? Well, there’s a lot really. Like I caught “Transformers” last night and it (besides being 100% utterly cool) provoked a realisation in me – more about this later sometime. Like I read this article in TODAY sometime this/last week, can’t remember, where LKY talked about homosexuality in Singapore. This linked with a Taiwanese movie I watched a while back, <盛夏光年> which I would have much to talk about too. Like my cousin, divorced from an ugly marriage and a fugly cheating ex-wife, got married again a couple of weeks back, and how wonderful it’s to see him so blissful with his beautiful wife.

So much to talk about but unfortunately I seem to be feeling the lazy bug once more. Let me just wrap this up with a few excerpts of hilarious conversations which my S-T-U-P-I-D (Short, Thick, Ugly, Idiotic, Dim-witted) colleague had over the phone. And mind you, she’s seriously dumb. Don’t understand why stupid people like to talk very loudly. Which anyway she always does. So everyone in the office, or rather anyone who can hear her, will know that she’s stupid?

STUPID: Ya, so I call Singnet up to apply for internet at home and they’ve so many plans.

Whoever on the phone with her: blah blah blah (Cause I won’t know what she was saying!)

STUPID: I didn’t even know that there’s something called broadband till now!

She must have lived on a mountain. Except that I didn’t know that Toa Payoh has a mountain.

Continuing:

STUPID: And they even gave me a free Apple.

Whoever: blah blah blah

STUPID: Yalor, but cannot use XXX program cause it doesn’t have Microsoft.  

-_- Point taken?

During the first leg of the ASEAN Football Championship at Singapore National Stadium, the Thai players, being extremely dissatisfied at the penalty (which ultimately led us to the victory of that game) given by the referee to our team, simply walked off the field in a huff. Like little girls. Eh, that was what a radio DJ said anyway.

And today I was reading the TODAY newspapers online and the headline on the first page, being so relevant to me, was so outstanding that I would be totally blind to miss it. 

However, what caught my attention to this article, and I found it deeply amusing, is the cat fight lah. Ah-pi, how?? Our big bosses are fighting! Like kids!

I thought Dr Yeo’s comment to Dr Lee’s view that “studies here should focus on Hepatitis B, auto-immune disease and head injuries” was seriously hilarious! hahahah bang your head against the wall!!! I think if you think logically, Dr Lee was probably refering to head injuries incurred during motor accidents, industrial accidents etc. And considering the number of accidents that occur every single day, I think quite a number of people suffer from head injuries every day. But still, Dr Philip Yeo, you win hands down lah! Bang your head against the wall, what a laugh!

It’s interesting though, how Dr Lee seems to have some objections towards the Government’s way of developing the Biomed hub in Singapore, as she was cited saying in her interview with Reuters, that she hoped that “maybe they (the Government) would have a rethink”. Well, considering that her dad is the most powerful man in our country (and also the man I respect the most), it seems almost strange to me that she seems to disagree with her dad’s views.  

But well, it might be good that they have different views even if they have the same blood (and surename!), otherwise it seems just like a monopoly, like how other nations love to criticise us. But wait, or it could be an act to show us that not all Lees think alike!

Wahhh so mysterious…don’t know what’s ticking inside a Lee’s head hahah. Anyway here’s the article to read: